This post is going to be a hard one for me, mostly because I want to rant about how awful it is to live with other people. I want to describe all of the terrible situations I’ve been in. I want to describe what made me want to rip my hair out. I want to let everyone know every awful and terrible thing that has happened from living with my roommates.
However, I’m not going to do that. The reason being that I’ve learned a TON from coexisting with other people outside of my family. There are good lessons and there are bad ones. Yes, I’ve wanted to rip my hair out at times, but every experience has affected me for the better and I want to share that with you.
So, what do I think about moving out and living with roommates? Well, sometimes I think it’s the worst decision I’ve ever made. However, it’s forced me to grow a lot as a person, and it’s taught me what I can tolerate and what I can’t tolerate when it comes to living with someone else. (I’m beginning to think the roommate life isn’t for me…I’m too stubborn).
Living with roommates is NOTHING like living with your parents. There’s more freedom. You can stay up late or wake up super early. You can eat whatever you want. You can come and go as you please. You can leave your bedroom messy if you wish. However, there’s no general authority or “final say” person in the household. When you have roommates, you each have an equal say in what happens. In my case, that meant that there were three people with an equal amount of power to come to an agreement.
Lesson One: Compromise is Key
I knew compromising was going to be a common occurrence in the apartment. There were three different people living under the same roof. One of my roommates has OCD and likes the apartment to be kept super clean and tidy. The other, is forgetful and tends to procrastinate. I tend to be too indifferent about situations, including my own mistakes.
This alone has caused a number of problems. It was hard for each of us to find steady ground with one another. Now, I will be clear and I will let you know that my roommates are a couple. (Had I known what I know now, I don’t think I would have moved in with a couple. This is a lesson in and of itself. Do NOT live with a couple, unless you are also a part of a couple). Since they were a couple, it meant that any disagreements on each other’s actions and my actions were discussed in private.
Why was this such a problem?
It meant a compromise was often made before I had a say in it. Thus meaning there was a 2-1 argument at hand. We’ve since started to discuss things together and we’ve made a mini group chat where we share our issues with each other. But at the beginning of the lease, for me in particular, it always felt like I was outnumbered in the fight. And I’ll admit, at times, it still feels this way.
However, there were times I would make a compromise/agreement with one roommate and the other would be left out.
This never worked.
My advice to people looking to move in with roommates is to come together, every single person, whether in person or in a group chat, and to discuss your problems as a team. Compromises are easier to come to when the problem is brought to each individual at the same time.
This leads me to my second lesson.
Lesson Two: Communication is the most important thing.
We were so bad at communicating. All of us. We were awful. Someone always got left out of the conversations. And someone (usually me) always ended up crying.
Dishes were and still are one of those things all of us have trouble agreeing on. We used to try to keep the sink completely clear of dishes. When that didn’t work, we each took turns cleaning all of the dishes. However, that meant that sometimes, people cleaned things that weren’t theirs. Now, we each clean our own dishes. This works for us. Though, there are still problems.
The reason dishes have always been a weak spot for us (and cleaning in general) is because we all have different opinions of what “clean” means and we don’t communicate our needs and wants to each other.
One of my roommates might wait a week to clean a pot of macaroni and cheese while the other will deep clean the kitchen and move the stove in order to achieve that! I’ll admit, my definition of clean is nowhere near spotless. Though, it took us all months to figure that out.
We each have pet peeves and we’re sure to communicate those issues now in our group chat. Believe me, it works. We also have a list now to tally off who takes the trash out so that we are all equally participating in that chore.
Something that was hard for me was that I was never sure who did what. There were many times where I wouldn’t know who took out the trash so I would take it out thinking it was my turn. I had thought we were all taking turns but in reality, it was only me and another roommate going back and forth. Our tally chart helps us to communicate who has done what and who should do the chore next.
Lesson Three: You’re going to fight with one another, and you’re going to learn how to deal with it like an adult
This is the lesson that has forced me to grow up the most. We got into so many fights in the beginning of the lease. For me, it always felt like a 2-1 fight. This wasn’t true, but from the lack of communication and the unwillingness to compromise on either end, it resulted in me feeling this way. I felt attacked. All the time. I didn’t like living in the apartment and I’ll admit, I regretted it. This is why I believe it is one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made. However, this is the reason I’ve grown.
I learned how to put on my customer service face and how to handle the arguments without letting my emotions get the better of me. This took months to master. And sometimes I still come off as indifferent to things. This, of course, is something my roommates don’t particularly like. However, for me, this is the only way I can have a real talk without running away to cry. I have to set my emotions aside.
We are all adults and we all need to approach confrontation with a logical mindset. Sometimes we still falter on this. However, we’ve all been through the roughest part of living together. I think now, we’ve learned how to argue with each other without causing more problems than it’s worth. Sometimes it still feels like a 2-1 argument to me. But I’ve come to accept that so long as I live with a couple, it’s going to feel that way.
Lesson Four: Most things won’t go your way
This is kind of a repeat lesson, but this is the most blatant wording that I can put it in. Most things won’t go your way. This applies to me. This applies to both of my roommates. And this applies to anyone else who has ever been or will ever be a roommate.
Compromise is the culprit of this.
There will always be something you have to sacrifice or change in order to find peace. No matter who you are. Before I learned this, I was upset. I felt as if I didn’t have a say in anything. I sacrificed so much. Nothing went the way I wished.
But that’s what it’s like to live with other people. People aren’t obedient robots. You can’t force them into submission so that they’ll live by your house rules. We are all human and we all have to make choices.
Most things won’t go your way.
Lesson Five: you’ll learn what you can tolerate and what you can’t
Living with roommates has taught me a lot about what I can handle when it comes to living with another person. Most importantly, it’s taught me how much I can take before I lose my mind. This will prepare me in the future when I live with my significant other.
I’ve learned a lot about relationships and how they are affected under the same roof. I’ve learned how to tolerate things I don’t like. And I’ve learned what I physically cannot handle. This will prepare me for marriage and building a life with someone else.
I will be moving to Chicago soon where I’ll be living with Matt. It’s a big thing. It’s a big leap in a relationship to move in with someone. Living together will expose us to each other’s worst parts. However, I’ve already been through this. I know what I can’t take. And I know what I’ll let pass. I have confidence that the future won’t be as rough.
For anyone planning to live with someone else, know that it won’t all be bad. Know that you will learn some things about yourself and that you’ll learn some things about how to handle others.
Final thoughts: you’re going to grow as a person
It’s true. Living with roommates forces you to grow. You’ll not only grow into your adult-bill-paying-workaholic-chore-hating-breeches, but you’ll also grow into a more mature version of yourself with better people skills.
I don’t want people to turn away from the idea of roommates from this post. Some people never have communication issues or disagreements with their roommates. I’m a firm believer that every lesson happens to us for a reason and we’re meant to learn from it.
If you already have a roommate and you’re struggling, take this advice. It’s not a magic eraser, but it’ll still do wonders.